I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My vagina just recognized that song.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
