I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
