you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
