That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
