I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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