Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
