It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
