I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
love makes seman taste better
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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