I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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