I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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