My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
