I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
