My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
