If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
