Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
