i don't like sucking hair
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
