I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
