she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just googled if crying burns calories
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
