Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
