____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
