saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
