I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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