i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
