I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
