How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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