hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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