Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
