sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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