...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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