btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
