My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
