god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
