Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
