I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Houston, we have a squirter
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
