Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize