i love accidental penises.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You need Xanax blowdarts
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
