dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
