U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
