He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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