i would punch a child for taco bell
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
