I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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