Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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