Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We are two peas in an std pod
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
