i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
