I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
