and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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