so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
