i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
