Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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