i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
