nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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